Hello, Humans! It is I, Louise (you may also address me as Her Royal Majesty Louise). My Clarence is sleeping right now, so I’ve taken over his computer for a short period of time to impart you with some of my daily life philosophies that could help you with achieving your goals in the New Year.
I expect you to show your gratitude in the form of tinned cat food and head scratches. You’re welcome.
1. Establish A Morning Routine
Early Risers are scientifically proven to be happier and more successful. So, I need to make sure my Clarence wakes up bright and chipper every morning, even if he tries to present flimsy excuses such as “Louise… it’s 3:30am.”
I also recommend morning exercise. My favourite form of physical activity is chasing a hard plastic ball (with a jingle bell inside!) up and down the hallway at the aforementioned 3:30am, but to each their own.
Lastly, you want to make sure your breakfast contains a lot of protein. Getting that daily nutritional content at the start of your day keeps your energy levels steadier, and the mid-afternoon crash won’t hit as hard. My personal favourite types of protein are Chicken Paté, Chicken Kibble, Chicken Of The Sea, and Kangaroo.
2. Trust Your First Impressions
Do you ever meet someone for the first time and immediately say to yourself “yep, this is a good someone?” I think the world would be a better place if more humans acted on those good feelings they get from new friends, and show them warmth and interest.
If you’re feeling shy and don’t know how to go about this, I recommend approaching your new connection and purring loudly. Nose bops work too. Compliment them. If all else fails, bite their hand affectionately.
3. Never Give Up
The silliest way of thinking that Humans have is “but we’ve always done it this way!” This leads them to establish etiquette, and rules that punish those who think outside (or in my case, inside) the box. Well, let me give you a revolutionary tip: repeatedly breaking rules leads to their abolishment.
For example, when my Clarence first brought me home, he had this ridiculous policy that forbade me from climbing on the dining room table. Seriously. If he saw me climb up onto it, he would drop whatever he was doing to walk over, pick me up, and put me back down on the floor. Well, I just kept jumping up there until he finally gave in and stayed where he was; and thus, social change was created. In fact, here is a photo he took of me sleeping in what used to be the banana bowl on the dining room table, keeping him company while he works.
4. Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For What You Want
Meow for attention; it works every time.
Seriously though, if you really want something you can’t accomplish yourself (like head scratches, for example), don’t shy away from asking. The worst you can get is a rejection in the moment, or they roll over back to sleep.
5. Take Calculated Risks
There was a time, in my foolhardy youth of two months ago, when I grew fascinated with the bathtub. Why on Earth my Clarence would willingly submerge himself in water, I might never know. But I was a bit of a peeping tom(cat), and would climb up to the edge of the bathtub, and hop in the dry tub after he was out. Well, my boldness quickly turned to cockiness, and I found out the hard way about taking risks when I strutted into the bathroom, and confident jumped into a full tub of water. Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity! I was in such a state of humiliation that I climbed out, and ran across the wooden floor of the hallway dripping, before shivering in shame underneath the living room sofa, too proud to accept a dry towel.
From now on, I always carefully check if there is water in the bathtub before hopping in and using the hanging loofah as a punching bag. Life is nothing without risks, but they should be calculated ones. Learn from traumatic experience.
6. Follow The Lead Of Successful People Around You
It took a few weeks after the Great Bathtub Betrayal of 2017 until I realized what its purpose was. Humans, the generally hairless, inflexible creatures that they are, don’t lick themselves clean. They use water. To contain my least favourite of the four elements of nature from spilling all over the floor, they climb into the walled tub (also know as “waterproof box”) to groom themselves. I’ve taken to doing it too.
Now, I know my sweet kitty confidence might sometimes get mistaken for haughtiness, so I need to make clear that I actually really do like Humans. Because I was adopted as a 6 month old (approximately the human equivalent of a first grader), lots of my social skills have been learnt by watching my Human tenants. They seem to know what they’re doing when they bathe or shower and enjoy it, so I do too! Or at least, sit in an empty bathtub and lick myself clean.
The same philosophy can be applied in your Human lives too. What are the accomplished, successful friends in your circle doing on the regular that seems to be working for them? May it be cutting out the procrastination, making time for meditation, positive self-talk in the mirror, not holding unnecessary grudges, or simply practicing daily gratitude, try seeing if you can incorporate those little things successful people do into your life.
7. Prioritize Self-Care
It’s easy to fall into the trap of working so hard to accomplish so much all day, every day, and leave out taking care of yourself first and foremost. So take a leaf from my book, and don’t underestimate the power of naps, snacks, stretches, cuddles, hygiene, and (yawn) did I mention naps?
8. Explore Your Environment
Now, this is definitely a cat specialty. For example, we love our small spaces, may they be boxes, bags, tunnels, baskets or flower vases. At the instinct level, small, closed spaces make us feel safe (only one direction for predators to attack) and help keep us warm. This “if I fits, I sits” mentality is so engrained in us that we go out of our way to seek out new places.
So while my Clarence is sighing the kitchen floor “Louise, please don’t stand with one paw in each top cupboard Martini glass!” I’m exploring my environment, gaining confidence and new problem solving skills, and it will only serve me well. It’s not like curiosity ever kills, right? Eh, the satisfaction is totally worth it.
9. Sing Your Heart Out
I’m sure many of you know the amazing benefits of letting your inner diva loose and expressing yourself. For example, let me sing you the song of my people: (clears throat) “I have not been fed in over 20 minutes… ”
10. Make Sure Your Loved Ones Know How Much They Matter To You
Honestly, I had to save the best for last. Go and bring joy to those close to you, in whichever way you both are most comfortable with. If love makes your world go ‘round, then you’re doing something right in life.
Wishing you a warm and fluffy new year,
– Her Royal Majesty Louise
P.S. Anyone got a spare discount code for ordering chicken paté online?